Trooper Chat #3
by Lady Electra
Summary: Dan trys to play Mr. Fix-it and it has some funny consequences...Jason has a little competition now


Fade in  
  
(Dan, Kelly, and Laurie are standing in the dark around the fuse box with flashlights)  
  
Kelly: Dan I really think we should call a professional to have this done, I mean we are dealing with enough electricity to turn the queen bug into extra crispy KFB.  
  
Laurie (raised eyebrow): What in the name of the Roger Young does that stand for?  
  
Kelly (smug): Kentucky Fried Bug. I made that one up all by myself  
  
Dan: Who needs a professional when you've got me around (picks up a few wires)? Now let me see, red goes to green, and black goes to... (zits)  
  
(Dan is thrown back from the fuse box and onto the couch knocking it over; the lights slowly flicker on)  
  
Laurie: And she said let there be light!  
  
Kelly (walks over): Oh my God! Dan's dead!  
  
Laurie: Crap! Now who's gonna host the show?  
  
(Jason runs up to them from out of nowhere)  
  
Jason (exited): I can host, I can host.  
  
Kelly: Jason, make like a tree and leave (throws him out)  
  
Jason (fading): I'll be back.  
  
Kelly (turning back to Dan): Do you think we should call the hospital?  
  
Laurie (poking at Dan's leg with a pool cue): He's not moving. I think we should call a mortician.  
  
(Suddenly Dan sits up. Kelly screams and jumps into Laurie's arms)  
  
Laurie (drops Kelly): Dan, are you okay?  
  
Dan (jumps up, hair is smoking): I'm fine (jerk). Just a (jerk) shock, that's all (jerk). Noting to worry about.  
  
Kelly: Can you do the show?  
  
Dan: Yeah (jerk) I can do the (jerk) show.  
  
Laurie: Okay, who's tonight's guest?  
  
Kelly: I don't know.  
  
Laurie: Why is it whenever that's the case, I start to get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach?  
  
Dan: I have that feeling to (jerk), but I think it's the chili Kim made for lunch (jerk).  
  
Kelly: Well take Kaopectate and let's start the show.  
  
(Kelly, Laurie, and Dan walk out. Dan is still having odd jerks)  
  
Fade out  
Fade in  
  
(Lights are up at full power. Co-host is watching host who is still suffering from spontaneous jerks)  
  
Elisabeth: Hello and welcome to Trooper Chat, I'm your co-host Elisabeth Clark  
  
(Close up on Elisabeth)  
  
Dan: (Jerk) And I'm your (jerk) host Dan Wilson   
  
(Close up on Dan)  
  
Elisabeth: Are you sure you can do the show?  
  
Dan: Yes (jerk) now lets get on with the show.  
  
Jason (runs onto stage): Are you sure? I can host if you're not up to it.  
  
Dan (stands up): Hmmm, I wonder how well (jerk) a fairy can fly?  
  
Elisabeth: Lets see.  
  
(Dan takes Jason by the back of his shirt and kicks him in the butt, sending him across the set)  
  
Dan (sits back down): Allrighty then.  
  
Bob (off stage): When did you start saying that? You always told me you hated Jim Carry movies.  
  
Dan (pondering): I don't know.  
  
Kim (off stage): Lets get done with the show first, then we can psychoanalyze Dan latter.  
  
Elisabeth: Well since I don't think Dan is able to, I'll be introducing our guest for tonight (looks at Dan's cards). You've got to be kidding me, like we don't have enough problems to deal with. Oh well might as well get this over with. Everyone please welcome Lt. Walker.  
  
(As Lt. Walker walks out crickets are heard chirping. He sits between Elisabeth and Dan)  
  
Elisabeth: Hello Lt. Walker and welcome to Trooper Chat.  
  
Lt. Walker: Let's get some things straight first, I didn't want to come onto this half-backed SNL reject, but SCION wanted me to check up on a few things (looks at Dan). What's wrong with him?  
  
Elisabeth: He had a fight with the fuse box, and the fuse box won. So Lt. Walker, what brings you here?  
  
Lt. Walker: SICON and Intel wanted me to check up on two of their somewhat failed experiments.  
  
Laurie/Jason (off stage): *begin to whistle*   
  
Lt. Walker: Hmmmm.  
  
Dan (jumps off couch): I am Dan, The Electrified Midget!  
  
Jason (off stage): Oh no you don't! I'm the only one who gets to have a funny name (jumps onto stage in his fairy costume and frying pan). On guard!  
  
Dan: Your pitiful frying pan can't harm me, I am Dan The Electrified Midget.  
  
Kim (off stage): Ugh, guys, remember, metal conducts electricity.  
  
Dan (smiles evilly): That's right (he shoots sparks from his fingers, which connect with Jason's pan).  
  
Jason (hair standing on end): Haha (whacks Dan on the head).   
  
Elisabeth: We'll be right back.  
  
Fade out  
Fade in  
  
(Dan, Jason, Kelly and Laurie are sitting in four chairs. Lt. Walker and Bob are sitting behind a desk off to the right).  
  
Lt. Walker: What's this about?  
  
Bob (looks at script): It's hoedown like on "Whose line is it anyway". These four are going to be singing about their dysfunction's.   
  
Lt. Walker: It's worse then they told me.  
  
(Music starts to play the four stand up and tap their feet to the beat of the music)  
  
Laurie (steps up): Oh yes I am a psycho chick, I really don't know how, but the doctors think that I'm infected with mad cow. They say that I caught it from eating British beef that Grandma sent to us on Christmas week (steps back).  
  
Jason (steps up): Yes I am a fairy but what you have guessed? I run around like one in my little dress. Hitting people on the head with my trusty pan, (looks over at Lt. Walker) maybe I should shut up now before I get the can (steps back and hits Dan over the head).  
  
Dan (rubbing head): I call myself a midget but that's not really true, because the only thing small about me is my IQ. I never should have crossed those wires way back to begin, but was I to do if I hadn't Fed. Net. would've had my head (zaps Jason).  
  
Kelly (rolling eyes): They all say I'm a ditz, and that is sorta true, because it was just last week that I learned to tie me shoe.  
  
Lt. Walker: I think I'm gonna call the Intel psychiachatric ward.  
  
Bob (shaking head): Don't worry they're like this all the time.  
  
(Jason suddenly runs over to them and hits them both over the head).  
  
Dan: Hey don't hog all the fun (shoots sparks from his fingers).  
  
(Just as the sparks hit the frying pan Jason hits Lt. Walker over the head again. The current travels through Lt. Walker making him flash like a Christmas light)  
  
Lt. Walker (hair standing on end): I just love your cookies grandma (falls backwards unconscious).  
  
Kelly (hits forehead with hand): We'll be right back. Somebody call Nurse Logan!  
  
Fade out  
Fade in  
  
(Elisabeth and Lt. Walker are sitting one the couch; Dan is nowhere to be seen)  
  
Elisabeth: Welcome back. If you're just joining us tonight's guest is Lt. Walker (turns to him). So is it true that you actually tried to Court Marshall Lt. Razak?  
  
Lt. Walker: Yes (looks around). Where did those psychopaths go?  
  
Elisabeth: You mean Dan and Jason? I really don't know where they are.  
  
(Yelling is head off stage and gradually becomes louder)  
  
Dan: Fry Fairy Boy! FRY!!!!!!!  
  
Jason: AHHHH. Not today Midget Man.  
  
(The sound of Jason hitting Dan on the head with the frying pan is shortly followed by the lights flickering and Jason screaming like a girl. He suddenly comes flying out of stage left)  
  
Jason (flying across stage): Look Ma, I'm flying. No fairy dust required.  
  
(Dan comes up onto the stage and sits down. He's still having the odd jerks)  
  
Lt. Walker (looking at watch): Look at the time, I just remembered I've got to get back to HQ and find some way to get rid of Razack.  
  
Bob (off stage): If anyone needs to get the ax it's you Walker.   
  
Lt. Walker: He's a disgrace to the entire Infantry. Now if you'll excuse me (gets up to leave)  
  
Dan (pushes him back down): You're (jerk) not leaving yet (jerk). We're not (jerk) done yet.  
  
Laurie (off stage): Hey Lt. Walker what would happen if an object that has a build up of electricity was doused in water?  
  
Lt. Walker: How the heck should I know? Do I look like a science teacher to you?  
  
Rachel (off stage): We could say what you look like, but this is an all ages show.  
  
Laurie (off stage): Well why don't find out. Hey Elisabeth, could you move over a little?  
  
(Elisabeth moves over)  
  
Laurie (off stage): A little bit more.  
  
Elisabeth: Laurie if I move over any more I'll fall off the couch.  
  
Laurie (off stage): That's the point!  
  
(Elisabeth jumps off the couch and run off the stage. Lt. Walker and Dan exchange nervous looks)  
  
Laurie (off stage): YO! Surfs up!  
  
Dan (looking off to right): What?  
  
(A wave of water comes flying out of right stage and hits Dan. There's a brilliant flash of light. When it dies down we see the couch has been knocked over backwards. Dan and Lt. Walker are still sitting on it)  
  
Dan (sits up): Oh my head, what happened (looks around)? Hey how the hell did I get here? Last thing I remember is fixing the fuse box.  
  
Bob (walks onto stage with Rachel): You mean you don't remember anything about what happened?  
  
Rachel (taps Lt. Walker with her foot): I think he's comatose (drags him off stage).  
  
Dan: No.  
  
Laurie (off stage laughing): Oh this'll make great blackmail some day.  
  
Dan: What is she talking about?  
  
Bob (puts his hand on Dan's shoulder): I'll tell you later Midget Man.  
  
Dan: Why did you call me that?  
  
Bob (trying not to laugh): Good night folks  
  



End file.
